Wednesday, May 13, 2020

The Parent Pyramid


Shredded Wheat and Parenting

By Rebecca Tingey
When I was about five years old, I was sitting at the kitchen table trying to eat shredded wheat which is not an easy thing for a child to do.  Of course, I wanted more sugar and asked my dad for more.  He said no but I continued to whine for more sugar.  All of a sudden, my father angrily walked up to me, picked up my bowl of cereal, and dumped it on my head.  Shocked by his actions as milk was dripping down my face, hair, and into my shirt, I started to cry as my father just walked back to the couch and sat down.  My mother walked in the room, found me covered in shredded wheat and milk, and began yelling at my father.  She would have to redo my hair so I could go to school and she wasn’t happy about that. 

This experience was so dramatic for me as a child that I have never forgotten it.  It left a big impression upon my young mind and has caused me to wonder; what was going on in my father’s life that would lead him to treat his child this way?  What were the lessons I learned from this kind of correction?  How could my father and mother appropriately have responded to this situation? 
The NEPEM model is “called the National Extension Parent Education Model and it sets forth six categories of priority parenting practices to be learned by parents and taught by parenting educators.”  (Debord, p.2).  The first of these six categories is Care for Self.  Parents need to take the time to make sure they are in a good place before they disciple their children.  In an article called The parenting Pyramid by the Arbinger Company, it explains an appropriate way to approach the disciplining of children which places “Personal Way of Being” or working on self at the base and foundation of the pyramid.    
(Arbinger Company, p.6)
Another thing about the pyramid that is important to understand is “The solution to the problem in one part of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid.”  (Arbinger. p.7)   When parents feel they need to correct their children then they should first go to the next level down which is teaching.  If their teaching isn’t working then they should go to the next level down which is working on the relationship with the child.  If that isn’t working, they should go to the next level down which is work on the relationship with their spouse and so on and so forth.  You get the idea. 
When my father simply dumped the bowl of shredded wheat on my head, he skipped all the necessary foundation steps, and went right to correction, in a very poor way.  So much learning and growth could have come out of the situation had he first tried to teach me.  Knowing now what my father was going through back then, he could have benefited by starting at the bottom of the pyramid, working his way up.  Focusing on his personal well-being and development would have done wonders in his life.
What if my father would have taken me on his knee and asked me how I was feeling then told me he understood?  Then he could have explained that the sugar in my cereal was enough.  I could eat it or go hungry.  He could say that he loved me and would let me choose, knowing I would make the right choice.  I might have chosen to whine more or I might have just eaten my cereal and went off to school.  Either way, I would have known that my father loved me. 
My favorite part of the pyramid that concerns parents and children is the third level down, Parent and Child relationship.  When parents choose to work on the relationship and view their children as individuals who desire respect and acceptance, these relationships will grow and be beautiful.  “No matter how much time we spend teaching our children, however, they are unlikely to learn from us if they don’t like us.” (Arbinger p.4) It is so important that we work on the relationship.  Then we can teach more effectively and correct them when necessary. 
My father can’t go back to that moment when he dumped the cereal on my head and neither can I.  However, I can choose to parent my children differently now that I know better.   I can choose to remain clam and collected, work on my relationships, teach, and correct only when needed.  This knowledge and practice will bless me and my family for generations to come and hopefully there will be no more Shredded Wheat incidents. 



References
Debord, K. Bower, D. Goddard, H. W.  Kirby, J.  Kobbe, A. M.  Myers-Walls,J. A.  Mulroy, M.                   
Ozretich, R. A.  National Extension Parenting Framework 2002.  Retrieved from   https://cyfar.org/sites/default/files/cyfar_research_docs/National%20Extension%20Parenting%20educators%20framework.pdf

Arbinger Company, The.  The Parenting Pyramid. Retrieved from    
             https://houseofthebook.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/parenting_pyramid.pdf


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