By Rebecca Tingey
When I was about five years old, I
was sitting at the kitchen table trying to eat shredded wheat which is not an
easy thing for a child to do. Of course,
I wanted more sugar and asked my dad for more.
He said no but I continued to whine for more sugar. All of a sudden, my father angrily walked up
to me, picked up my bowl of cereal, and dumped it on my head. Shocked by his actions as milk was dripping
down my face, hair, and into my shirt, I started to cry as my father just walked
back to the couch and sat down. My
mother walked in the room, found me covered in shredded wheat and milk, and
began yelling at my father. She would
have to redo my hair so I could go to school and she wasn’t happy about
that.
This experience was so dramatic for me
as a child that I have never forgotten it.
It left a big impression upon my young mind and has caused me to wonder;
what was going on in my father’s life that would lead him to treat his child
this way? What were the lessons I
learned from this kind of correction?
How could my father and mother appropriately have responded to this
situation?
The NEPEM model is “called the
National Extension Parent Education Model and it sets forth six categories of
priority parenting practices to be learned by parents and taught by parenting
educators.” (Debord, p.2). The first of these six categories is Care for
Self. Parents need to take the time to
make sure they are in a good place before they disciple their children. In an article called The parenting Pyramid
by the Arbinger Company, it explains an appropriate way to approach the
disciplining of children which places “Personal Way of Being” or working on
self at the base and foundation of the pyramid.
(Arbinger Company, p.6)
Another thing about the pyramid that is important to understand
is “The solution to the problem in one part of the pyramid lies below
that part of the pyramid.” (Arbinger.
p.7) When parents feel they need to correct their
children then they should first go to the next level down which is
teaching. If their teaching isn’t
working then they should go to the next level down which is working on the relationship
with the child. If that isn’t working,
they should go to the next level down which is work on the relationship with
their spouse and so on and so forth. You
get the idea.
When my father simply dumped the bowl
of shredded wheat on my head, he skipped all the necessary foundation steps,
and went right to correction, in a very poor way. So much learning and growth could have come
out of the situation had he first tried to teach me. Knowing now what my father was going through
back then, he could have benefited by starting at the bottom of the pyramid,
working his way up. Focusing on his
personal well-being and development would have done wonders in his life.
What if my father would have taken me
on his knee and asked me how I was feeling then told me he understood? Then he could have explained that the sugar
in my cereal was enough. I could eat it
or go hungry. He could say that he loved
me and would let me choose, knowing I would make the right choice. I might have chosen to whine more or I might
have just eaten my cereal and went off to school. Either way, I would have known that my father
loved me.
My favorite part of the pyramid that
concerns parents and children is the third level down, Parent and Child relationship. When parents choose to work on the relationship
and view their children as individuals who desire respect and acceptance, these
relationships will grow and be beautiful.
“No matter how much time we spend teaching our children, however,
they are unlikely to learn from us if they don’t like us.” (Arbinger
p.4) It is so important that we work on the relationship. Then we can teach more effectively and correct
them when necessary.
My father can’t go back to that
moment when he dumped the cereal on my head and neither can I. However, I can choose to parent my children differently
now that I know better. I can choose to remain clam and collected,
work on my relationships, teach, and correct only when needed. This knowledge and practice will bless me and
my family for generations to come and hopefully there will be no more Shredded Wheat
incidents.
References
Debord, K. Bower, D. Goddard, H. W. Kirby, J.
Kobbe, A. M. Myers-Walls,J.
A. Mulroy, M.
Ozretich, R. A. National Extension Parenting Framework
2002. Retrieved from https://cyfar.org/sites/default/files/cyfar_research_docs/National%20Extension%20Parenting%20educators%20framework.pdf
Arbinger Company, The. The Parenting Pyramid. Retrieved from
https://houseofthebook.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/parenting_pyramid.pdf
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