Emotion Coaching: An opportunity for Connection
By Rebecca Tingey
So many times, I feel overwhelmed by
my children’s emotions. It feels like a
roller coaster ride around my house. Up……Down……Up……..Down. It feels more natural for me to cheer them up
and squash all those feelings away rather than helping them work through it. However, I know that never really helps and usually
leaves everyone feeling frustrated and confused.
(This picture is of my six year old daughter when she was so mad at me because I cut her hair too short. She felt embarrassed and frustrated.)
When we stop and take a look at the situation, we can see it is an opportunity for learning, a way to communicate and develop a deeper and more meaningful relationship. It can become a prime moment for parents, not a hindrance or annoyance.
Dr. Jon Gottman teaches that there are five
things we can do to help our children through their emotions in his book called
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. I’m not going to go through all five of those
steps here but I highly suggest you buy the book or take the online course.
Not only
will emotion coaching nurture a loving connection between parent and child but
it will also teach children emotional intelligence.
Statistics show that emotional
intelligence ranks high in desired attributes to a fulfilling life.
Some of the qualities
an emotional intelligent person has are a “heightened self-awareness, better ability to manage
distressing emotions, increased sensitivity to how others feel, and managing
relationships well. These things are
vital throughout life.” (Lantieri p. 2)
Not only
that, but “Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional
awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and
happiness in all walks of life.” (Gottman Institute)
So, although
it may feel more natural to walk away from uncomfortable feelings, we can have
greater happiness when we face them straight on. As I have worked through my own emotions, my
coaching has improved for my children. I
have a greater sense of understanding of what they must be feeling and what
they want to hear in the moment of intense emotions.
No one wants
to hear, “Stop crying! It’s no big deal.
Just deal with it!” We all want to feel
heard and understood. We all want to
have others show us empathy.
The biggest
thing I have learned is that moments of emotions are a great opportunity to connect with my children.
Jon Gottman says that we can “recognize the emotion as an opportunity
for intimacy and teaching.” (Gottman p. 93) This was a complete paradigm shift
for me! I had no idea that this was even
a possibility. But it makes so much
sense. Who better to coach children
through emotions than parents?
Gottman also
says that “children need their parents most when they are sad, angry, or
afraid.” Instead of pushing our children
and their uncomfortable emotions away, stuffing them so we can be happy, we can
create an opportunity to help them work through those big feelings and at the
same time grow a stronger relationship.
I feel like
the biggest struggle for me was moving past the belief that sad, angry, and fearful emotions
were bad. It seems like I was taught that the only
acceptable emotions were happy ones. The
other “bad” feelings were ignored and pushed aside. However, all of the emotions we feel are
normal and healthy and we can understand that as we work through them instead
of ignoring them. Failing to recognize and
work through emotions is what leads many to addictions. It breeds shame and causes children to believe
they are bad and flawed.
In fact,
this whole emotion coaching thing reminds me of what Brene Brown teaches. She is one of the leading researchers on
shame and how it affects people negatively.
She also talks a lot about vulnerability, empathy, and authenticity. When we choose to coach our children through their emotions, we
are really just showing empathy for what they are feeling and we are willing to
sit with them in those difficult feelings.
Here is a
little video clip that explains beautifully how we can listen emphatically to
emotions of children, friends, and others.
Here are three things Brene Brown suggested we say to those who are feeling down:
“I don’t
even know what to say right now but I’m so glad you told me.”
“I am here
for you”
“Hey, I know
what it is like down here and you’re not alone.”
When we stop
to sit with our children in their emotions, we are entering a “sacred space”
and paving the way for a more meaningful and deeper relationship built on
connection and love. (Brown) I don’t
know about you but I want that kind of relationship with my children and I want
them to be truly happy in life.
References
Lantieri, L. Goleman, D. Building Emotional Intelligence. 2008.
Sounds True, Inc. Boulder, CO.
80306.
Gottman, J. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent
Child. 1997. Fireside. New York, NY. 10020.
Brown, B. Empathy vs. Sympathy. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
May 24, 2020.
Gottman Institute, The. A Research-Based approach to
Relationships. Retrieved from:
2020.
